I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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