love makes seman taste better
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
