Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
