My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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