RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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