So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
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I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize