i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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