my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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