i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
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Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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