This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
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You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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