So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
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I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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