I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I came so hard my ears popped.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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