no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
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I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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