i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
