Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
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We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
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My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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