dude i'm inner monologue high
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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