Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
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I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
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I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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