made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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