two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
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Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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