Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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