So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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