Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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