Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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