My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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