I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
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I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
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Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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