I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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