my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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