yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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