My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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