just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
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Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
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I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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