I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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