My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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