Pants 0. Shit 1.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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