And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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