I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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