I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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