he puts the penis in happiness.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My ass is underappreciated
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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