I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
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My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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