You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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