Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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