at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
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I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
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I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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