I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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