Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
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My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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