my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
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Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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