you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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