Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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