I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
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He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
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I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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