I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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