Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
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Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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