I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
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Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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